Counselling - How to look at things from a different perspective?

Counselling – Nourishing Your Sense of Self

What happens in counselling? Can it make a difference in your life? How do you look at something from a different perspective?

In my twenties and thirties, I believed there was a stigma attached to counselling. People rarely discuss their therapists, but now I notice that many individuals openly share if they are seeing someone. While there is more openness today about seeking counselling, I have many clients who come in for the first time and are uncertain about what to expect from the process. They have many questions: What happens? How does one start a session? How often would I need to attend? 

Let me give you a sense of what this experience is like for my clients. I generally like to hear about their primary concern in the first session. What were they considering before coming to see me in person or connecting virtually? After the initial few minutes of gathering their full name, date of birth, address, and emergency contact numbers, we delve into what prompted them to seek counselling. Questions like “Have you received counselling before?” help set the scene. People need to express what’s on their minds right from the start. It often feels as though they’re about to burst, even if they’re unsure how to begin the conversation. I find that a few clarifying questions can assist them as they share their story. After their initial sharing, it’s usually time to step back from the main issue and gain insight into other aspects, such as their physical and mental health history, sleep patterns, the medications they may be taking, and so on.

My favourite question is "What brings you joy in life?” This often surprises clients. This question is based on what truly brings them unique personal joy beyond some expected answers, like their children, pets, etc. Having a sense of what makes people tick can be helpful. Clients often struggle to answer this question.  What they say can help determine many aspects of what is going on for them in life.  Clients come with a variety of issues related to depression, anxiety, stress, grief and loss.  Being able to name something that brings “joy” can be a mammoth task. This can be a great place to start and delve into how people define purpose and meaning for themselves and in life general.

During the first session and subsequent ones, I tend to check in with the clients to see what they think about the questions I may ask.  The counselling process doesn’t mean that the psychologist or counsellor is always right, but the sessions may provoke and evoke some thoughts that the clients can consider.  I like when clients answer with, “Yes, exactly,” or “I am not sure it is that, but it could be this or this.”  Honest, open dialogue is vital for freedom and focus.  Clients can expect to feel good after counselling sessions or may become tired and more worn out if a session's content is heavy and emotionally taxing.  Both outcomes are typical depending on the issues being examined. Over time people can feel more relief.  Starting counselling is like beginning to work out in a gym for the first time or after a long time of not exercising.  Over some weeks, workouts can become more manageable.  The body becomes more accustomed to working in a different way, so too for our brains within the context of counselling.  Clients are challenged to think differently, to consider other ways of interpreting automatic thoughts.  Quite often it is a struggle for some people to name their feelings.  Quite often I might say, “Okay, if you were to pick an emoji, what would you pick?”. Surprisingly, this works for many people.  It can help them articulate what can seem simple but is also very complex.  Many people have not developed their emotional language and other clients can be very effusive and it is a challenge to slow down and rationalize some things.  Counselling takes time, and it takes commitment.  For many clients counselling is even fun and something they look forward to.  It is their time and chance to say things as they are and share aspects of their life experiences that they often would keep to themselves.  Many of my clients report enjoying travelling or preparing for counselling because it is time dedicated to their growth and well-being. It can be time away from work or their family to focus on themselves with no interruptions.  It can be a new way to engage is self-care which is crucial for good psychological and physical health.

The counselling process is also a bit like coffee dripping through a filter. It takes time, but the time is worth it. Counselling results are frequently not seen immediately but in the weeks and months after the sessions.  For example, I’ve had some clients return after a few years and they report remembering elements of their sessions much later than they happened and how the things they learned helped them cope with and manage new or repeating challenges.

People attend counselling for all sorts of reasons.  Sometimes, it is because family members or friends have encouraged them to talk to someone.  Other times, it is because a manager at work organized a workshop about mental health, and employees are encouraged to explore what benefits they have for emotional wellness. Since the Covid pandemic, there has been more exposure to health programs within the workplace.  Counselling topics include sadness, loneliness, frustration at home or work, or someone wanting to work on issues like self-esteem and sense of self. 

In my practice, I see people in their early twenties to late seventies.  It is exciting to hear the stories of so many people and see commonalities and uniqueness. There is a vast array of characters, personalities and cultures. People from every continent. Those born in Canada and those who have immigrated here.  Catching up with people in subsequent sessions and hearing how they have been from their last sessions is enjoyable.  The people who generally do well are those who try to do things that we may have considered.  People don't have to succeed initially; the key is to explore and see what seems right for them and if they are willing to explore that in their next session.  Of course, some other issues may arise on any particular day, and the focus may change.  Some clients are very self-directed, and others welcome having a few specific questions to set a session in motion.

Some clients come 2-4 times, others come 10 times, and some come over several years.  Generally, if someone starts counselling with me, they may come weekly or bi-weekly for a few weeks and then fall into a pattern of once a month.  A few clients may come every two months.  Then, clients finish up and often return a year or two later for a check-in for a few sessions.  Is counselling successful for my clients? I would say “yes” from the point of view that my clients re-book and turn up for their sessions. Cancellation is rare unless someone is sick. Given the financial investment, whether out of pocket or through health insurance, people, I am sure, wouldn’t spend their hard-earned money if they weren’t getting something out of the process. I always think of what I would like if I were the client, and I consider this when I see other professionals, e.g., a physiotherapist.  Does the professional seem focused on my issue? Are the exercises helping? Is it worth the money and time?  It is also essential that whoever we see for our health and wellness be courteous and respectful, and they seem to be making a difference in our lives.

Counselling is a gift for those who embrace the process.  It is a moment when we get someone to truly focus and concentrate on who we are.  Many clients feel worn and broken when they come for a session.  However, over time, they can see that what has contributed to their degeneration can be addressed and examined.  There is a lot of beauty in having experience and being tried and tested by life.  This gives us perspective and a way to look at things differently.  An old rusty car can be just that, or we can view it from a different lens and see that it has some potential. It could be for a photo or a movie scene. Our lives are like that, too; we can capture quick pics of them, but we can also study them and appreciate them as art pieces.  Many aspects and colours go into making us who we are.  Maybe I am too optimistic, but I believe that counselling can help us see things differently, it can help bring joy back into our lives, and give us new purpose and meaning.

From my lens, I am glad that counselling is welcomed more by society today than it was when I was growing up.  The more people become aware that nice, normal people can go for counselling, the better it is for everyone.  Counselling is not something to be hidden.  At the same time, I wouldn’t shout it from the rooftops, but I think it is something that people can talk about with friends or family members if they wish to do so.  My experience is that most people who come for counselling are healthy, but different life experiences have brought them down. They need a bit of affirmation and time to re-discover that they are doing okay in the greater scheme of things.  Many people come with the view that they are not good enough and that they should be better.  However, once we tease through aspects of their lives, I often see that these people are good enough.  Their sense of good enough is often way higher than is necessary.  People usually need to have someone point out all the things that they are doing well and have to be encouraged not to place all the emphasis on what can be improved. That will come with time, reflection and engagement in self-development but people need to be gentle with themselves as well.  As we know, many good things often age well with time.

Who knows what I will think as time goes on? Life changes us all. For now, I welcome the chance to journey with people and to discover what it is for them to genuinely find that they  are, for the most part, more than good enough.